Apostrophes killing: ‘If you have tears, prepare to shed them now’: Punctuation-Mark Antony
The Apostrophe Protection Society has been shut down, citing ‘ignorance and laziness’.
Friends, Grammarians, Quandarymen
I come to bury Apostrophe, not to praise him.
The evil that punctuation marks do, lives after them;
The usefulness is oft interred with the pedants;
So let it be with Apostrophe.
The noble space and time savers
Hath told you that hes superfluous.
If it were so, it was a grievous fault,
And grievously hath Apostrophe answerd for it.
Here, under leave of grammars assassins …
Come I to speak at Apostrophes funeral.
He was my friend, useful and a must for me:
But the new rule-makers say hes superfluous;
And new rule-makers must be honoured, man.
Apostrophe hath brought many nouns
to their possessive home,
And the missing vowels places filled.
When ‘its’ and ‘it’s’ had cried, Apostrophe hath wept.
‘Superfluous’ should be made of sterner stuff …
Im speaking not to disprove what Shaw and Faulkner chose to drop.
But here I am to speak what I have known.
You all did use him once, not without logic:
What logic withholds you then to mourn for him?
O colons! thou art fled to unschooled beasts,
And men have lost their inverted comma. Bear with me;
My heart is in the Trash there with Apostrophe,
And I must pause since he wont come back to me.
But yesterday the mark of Apostrophe might
Have stood against the ignorami; now lies he there.
And none so rules-conscious as to use him.
You all did know Apostrophes mission.
Look, in this place ran Instas dagger through,
See what a rent the Twitterati made
Through this the abbreviators dagger stabbed
And as they drew their deleting finger away,
Mark how the shame of Apostrophe followd it.
This was the most unkindest click of all.
For when the noble Apostrophe saw them Ctrl Y,
Ineptitude more strong than traitors harms,
Quite banished him. Then pleading … great Apostrophe fell.
O, what a fall was there, my pedagogues!
Then Wren and Martin and all the grammar books fell down,
While unpunctuated ignorance flourishd over us.
* * *
Alec Smart said: “Hitizenship Bill?”
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